“A Primer on Primordial Ooze.”

“Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”

All right, now. Hold on. You mentioned shithole countries, sir. Which ones do you mean?

Let’s get technical just for a second. I’m sure you don’t mind, stable genius that you are. Do you mind a quick world-history refresher, albeit from a biased source? No? Good.

There is demonstrable proof—science-based proof, the kind I know you love!—that human beings…all of us…emerged from a series of hominid ancestors in Africa. There are fossils and other records telling experts very clearly that humanoid life-forms like ours have existed in some form for a couple million years…and that all of us owe our existence to a certain small subset of those hominids who developed sentience a few hundred thousand years ago in Africa. So, if you want to talk about shithole nations, here’s your first lesson, sir. We all come from the same shithole nation, and have no business throwing feces at each other.

Moreover! Each individual nation has its own unique brand of muck…or, at least, we thought of each other that way. My ancestors come from England (Somersetshire), Scotland (Dumfriesshire, as well as Argyll and the Inner Hebrides), and somewhere in Germany. Not so long ago—a few centuries ago—those nations hated each other’s guts. For instance, it would have taken very strong drink, or very strong firepower, to get a Highland Scot to come to table peaceably with an English person. And not so long ago, what we now call England, Scotland, and Germany were all considered shithole nations, too. The Greeks called everybody who didn’t speak their language “barbarians,” because they all sounded like sheep. Bar, bar, bar. And the Romans—the fellows who basically launched the brand of the eagle, long before your country—looked down on Britons, and later on Saxons, as uncouth in those same ways. These were people fit only to be conquered, with their women raped and their resources pillaged. To the best of my limited knowledge, the island of Britain has been conquered by individual invading armies…seven times? Maybe nine? Thus, if ever there was a shithole nation, sir, then Britain—the place most of my ancestors come from—was indeed such a region.

You’re still following me, right? You are, by your own admission, very smart, so I’m sure I’ve set all your wheels spinning. Pay attention, now. I have one more big thing to say.

I feel like your claim about “shithole nations” is missing the point. Like most nations older than the three here in North America, Latin American, African, and Middle Eastern nations have tons of cultural capital. Think about it: you’re a first-rate businessman, so I know that you love math. I think I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: nations where Arabic is spoken and written gave us the math we use now. They gave to history algebra and other forms of higher mathematics; they laid the foundations of religious tolerance in their law…for the love of Heaven, they preserved Aristotle when younger nations had forgotten his works…and they brought us coffee, which essentially makes the world go round.

Good. I haven’t lost you. Don’t reach for the big Coke button just yet.

I know that I’m preaching to the choir; I’m sure that you already know all the things I’ve pointed out to you, good hombre that you are. Let’s just recap: we all come from the same place, Africa; Britain and other European nations were also called garbage heaps back in the day; and the nations older than the one you govern have given the world important things too.

And you`ve told us that you have the best words, right? Here’s a word that I’m sure you’ve heard used recently: xenophobia. That means fear of strangers. But, I mean, you’re super smart, and you’re currently the head of state in a powerful country…so surely you don’t need to be afraid of anyone. That’s just something to think about, sir. Go talk to Mr. Putin about it.

I’ll send in the guy with the big red shoes with your cheeseburger on my way out. Good night.

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