This post is sort of a continuation of my last one. I told you, last time I wrote, that every time I look in the mirror, I begin a narrative that starts, “I am strong; I am smart; I am brave; I am funny…”
This week, I want to talk about the first phrase. I’m not sure why I place it first in terms of important characteristics about myself, but I do. I am strong. I possess many kinds of strength; I’ll name three here.
1. I possess physical strength. I go to one of the gyms at the University of Toronto regularly (by which I mean “religiously,” by which in turn I mean “twice a week”: Tuesday and Saturday afternoons). When I’m there, I start with free weights: I like the isolateral low-row machine, too, and the barbells. I can lift one hundred pounds (ever so briefly) with my lopsided shoulders! Thereafter, I go upstairs and bike. I can bike (a stationary bicycle, of course) for ten to twelve minutes at rather high speeds! And I work more on my shoulders. I can row a little more than 600 m in four minutes. I am lean, limber, and lithe. That last one’s unexpected: how the hell can someone who has cerebral palsy be as balanced as I am now physically? I really don’t understand how it’s possible…
But I rejoice in the resurrection of my body. This also meshes nicely with my sexuality: I feel far more confident now when I see women looking at me. 🙂 There’s really no other way to explain it. I’m beginning to understand my own beauty! And I have the strength to help other people do things: I can lift, carry, and hold things; play sports (I would have a wonderful conversation with my fourteen-year-old self if I met him on the street!); and–like I said before–I can dance. All sorts of cool things are possible because I am phyaically strong.
2. I exude emotional strength. Since I began to read theologies of liberation and disability, my ability to listen to people’s stories has grown exponentially. Not that nothing fazes me. Heck, no. Nonetheless, as simply as possible: as I affirm myself emotionally, I can empathize more simply and passionately with others; plus, as I become less self-absorbed, I can listen with far greater care. The strength I have begun to cultivate allows me to be a better friend to others, and to offer them my aid in whatever way they might need it. It’s also taught me a lot about other people’s boundaries…although, as I’ll likely go on to explain in the near future, I’m no expert.
That last part was, I think, the reason my therapist encouraged me to begin my inner narrative: I need that reserve of strength to affirm myself when nobody else is around, the better to help and heal others. I can’t always ask others to say, “Mike, you’re awesome! We’re really glad you’re here! You’re doing so well!” I know that I am…but there are ways in which I must first believe these things of myself before I ask others to believe them with and for me. Believing in myself, I can affirm others in their joys and struggles. Once I really listen to the voices that assert or deny things in my own heart and head, and to take ownership of them, then I can more honestly ask others’ opinions of me…and more steadfastly offer them mine. (Steadfastness will appear later, in its own post.) I begin to know my strength, which can help me to strengthen others. I’ve been able to be a source of strength for my brothers and their others at different points; I’m also learning to encounter people who are marginalized and homeless with greater simplicity.
A sidebar: my emotional strength aids my mental strength. I’ve always been able to retain information in vast quantities, because my memory is very good (here I understate). Because I can more clearly listen to others, my memory is even more retentive of some kinds of info than it used to be. 🙂 An example? I’ve done a vast and focussed amount of reading in disability studies for my comprehensive exams. In seven-and-a-half months, I read at least 5,700 pages, and used that research to write five papers. Why? Because it was and is important to me. 🙂
3. I draw on reserves of spiritual strength. The more I affirm myself as a child, friend, and lover of God, the more consistently I feel God’s presence. I hear voices, and I often have vivid dreams. That’s only increased as I’ve listened to my own inner strength in the last while. Because I know who I am–not just my ethnic and/or genealogical origins, but my true ontology (uh, roughly: the nature of my being)–I feel more deeply attuned with the One Tillich calls “the Ground of All Being.” Without irony, I state that I feel God’s presence most of the time. Now that I know myself better, I feel Him more strongly. (I call God Him because that is my experience of God. I know there are many who differ.) This attunement to the Deity allows me to pray deeply and comprehensively; I can sing and read Scripture with conviction…and, as some events in the last four years have demonstrated amply, I can act with fervour too. Action will come back into the narrative later.
So: I am strong. I’m strong enough that I can improve my body, and have women look at me with delight, and (perhaps) desire. I’m strong enough to listen to others and offer them my talents for their use; and I can be a channel, or vehicle, for the strength of God–that same strength that is most present in weakness and vulnerability. If you think I’m being arrogant, you can call me on it, but I believe all this about myself.
Finally, I know that my primary source of strength exists in my relationships with others. Without my friends and family, I would have very little consistent strength of my own. I am strong because others–and one special Other–have strengthened me. And with that strength, the strength to heal and help, I can make the world a better place. 🙂
A Thoroughfare For All Thoughts 